May 22, 2021- Is This Thing Still On?

        Haven't touched this blog in about 5 years. I can't believe how true the phrase "time flies the older you get", or however the hell it goes, is and how much of my life literally zipped by like only an hour just passed. You can accomplish and screw up many opportunities, relationships, goals, dreams in that amount of time. I've gained like 80lbs of fat working at a greasy ass fast food joint and somehow lost 50lbs of it somehow because I'm lazy as crap; I don't know how that worked out but I guess I owed the universe a favor. I've went through 3 different jobs, lived in 5 different houses, travelled to New York 6 different times, went through 6 different phones with countless of different numbers, and have driven then fucked up 5 different cars in that 5 year span. Looking back, seems like I lived damn near 10 different lifetimes that all just went by in a giant blur.

        What I remember of what my life was like around the time I last posted on here, it wasn't doing too great. It was just about a year and a half into one of the most stressful, demanding, emotionally and mentally draining jobs I've had so far: the same fast food point that snuck the 80lbs that eventually had me weighing the most I've ever had. The job was just only suppose to be a temporary thing, 6 months max! Tell me how the hell I ended up doing a 5 year stint!!! Yes, I will compare it to a jail sentence but while I type this I'm pretty sure fast food ain't THAT bad. I was only supposed to be there shortly so I could get back into school; I couldn't afford to go into my already set fall semester of junior year because of a bullshit reason that then caused my start of my severe downfall. That's a whole, big ass story that is definitely a whole 3 or 4 blog posts by itself.

         I just never experienced just a low point in my life that hit so hard that it literally still pimp slaps me to this day as I type like I owe it 3 months back pay. I feel like a self sabotager, since the whole downfall began I've had so many chances to try to help dig myself out of this tiny pothole that came into my road, like 100's of times that I could've learned the ultimate lesson early on so I might have moved on and enjoyed some of my 20s. During this time, I've learned so many things about myself that turned out to be great and would improve certain aspects of my life while also learning the bad qualities that continues to hold me back. I literally know what's holding back, I've been knowing since realizing the reoccurrence of them but for some reason I just can't seem to commit to change myself to the person I know I can and definitely want to be. I'm holding myself back to the point that I feel like I barely achieved much in 5 years, I just kept staying in my depressing and unwanted comfort zone that was extremely hard to even attempt to dip my toe out of it.

        Why are the seemingly simplest tasks can prove to be some of the hardest to achieve? I mean, for example, quit a job that has been nothing but detrimental to you, putting 1,000% into it when it barely gives you 10% back. It's so simple, so so simple, but I stuck with it for 5 years. I actually did quit twice. I mean I got out of this horrible situation 2 fucking times but I obviously can back twice for some demented ass reason. Who in the hell does that to themselves??? Right now, I just had an epiphany! I view this as a one sided, mentally abusing "relationship". I know how this might sound but I in no way treat this as the same as an actual relationship that has actual abuse; I know that is way more serious and damaging but it is the closest I can really compare my situation to that makes sense. I am the one pouring in so much of myself into this "relationship", sacrificing so much that I become so complacent, so adapted, so accustomed to the negativity that it literally is the center of my world. The fast food joint is the one constantly demanding my attention, disregarding how I feel when I need a well deserved break, throwing more and more work on my back that is already full with its other demands. I just got comfortable in a situation that was never going to improve no matter how hard I tried to fix the many problems we had.

        I have so many goals I want to actually reach somehow in my lifetime. I want to finally finish my novel that I have trying to work on for almost 12 years but writer's block is a big bitch that won't let me enjoy my personal space. I want to finally go back to school so I can get back into a career that took me so long to discover that I might want to do for the rest of my life, but I keep thinking that all I will do is just fail again and end up back in my current situation. I want to feel what it's like to fully be able to have no self pity, no excuses, no times where I just want to run away cross country and change my name to start all over again, but it's better said than done. I keep hoping that I wake up and realized I dreamt of a possible bad future that could happen if I made a different decisions years ago. Hope that the computer simulation we might be in to complete itself and erase this somewhat sad and depressing life. Hope I'm currently in a dark and seedy warehouse being brainwashed this fake life because of some government experiment. I keep waiting for any of these to happen but it just never does. Damn, where's a rabbit's foot or a celebrity impersonating genie in a lamp when you need it??

        How will the next 5 years look like? Will I have been able to finally pushed myself to the potential I know I have? Or will I be typing another post about what has happen in that last 5 years, still doing the same bullshit that I'm doing know and solidifying that I must have given up on myself at that point? I lived that second option for so long, I can't possibly imagine not actually giving the effort to turn things around for the best and enjoy what life brings. But once again, easier said than done will probably come in and out my life, haunting my for not taking risks in life, patting me on my back for going through a risky decision that paid off. I hoping to takes things step by step, aim to do small goals that proves to myself that this life the life isn't meant to be permanent but just a detour that forces me to see that I will fail and make bad decisions in my lifetime so I can figure out ways to continually find a new and better path that leads to some form of what I feel is happiness. I'm hoping by making this blog as a journal that I do baby steps and finally let go of all the pain and disappoints and sadness that I bury deep inside which will hopefully help me in my journey of adulthood.

        But DAMN I rather would find that Robin Williams voiced, blue genie in a lamp to skip all that shit!

 

Who Am I?

   
Where is my place in the world universe? Always one of the biggest questions that goes through a teenager's mind during and after puberty. It's not an easy question to solve overnight and maybe most never find out an answer until later in life. I have always been put in a label that I felt like I never belonged in but since it was established day one it never left me. Breaking out of the image people set you in is hard to get out of then trying to prove who you really are is even harder.

     I have never really thought of how I was before middle school. Like I never noticed my personality, social status, the way I looked, how people thought of me. I do remember myself being the kid who had anger issues and would get suspended from school because I screamed, threw desks, and just ignored any rules in general. I was the bad kid who would explode any second of the day at school but was quiet and reserved at home. To this day I still don't know why from preschool to 8th grade I had to act this way and I may never know. Otherwise I was a normal kid who didn't have to really worry about anything besides homework and wondering what junk food I could eat. Besides being the bad kid, I was also known for being smart. I had a great memory when it came to tests, I could understand complex problems that other kids had problems with, and in a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde case teachers would use me as an example of what a modeled student should be. I never liked when that happened because I always felt that it made people think you were a good two shoes but now that I think about it there's nothing with being recognized for doing what you're suppose to do and standing out from others who don't.

    When middle school came around, started to become more aware of how people thought of me since kids love to point out what's wrong with you if it doesn't look like what they consider "normal". I now realized that I'm a nerd for getting better grades than everybody else, if you don't look a certain way then you get rejected and get lower in the school social chain. I somehow became an over thinker. Every move I did is judged by all my peers, my body gets all awkward out of nowhere and I'm suddenly 10x shyer than what I usually am. Self conscious, over thinking, awkward, nerdy. Not a great start to establishing who I am.

     I hated making conversations with anybody in high school. I talked too fast,I stumbled over my words, I was boring. For a long time I always felt I had nothing to talk about. Never getting a chance to go to parties, experience hanging out with a group of friends. It seemed so easy for people to make friends left to right. I don;t know why it never rubbed off on me but it was so hard to make a good impression. I saw myself as invisible even though people could see me. At school I never belonged to a group, I drifted in between different groups with different social standings. It sounds good at face value. Being a chameleon who could hang with the nerds but also be cool with the jocks. But it left me feeling like I never belonged anywhere. I never spent time with anybody from school outside of it so they developed their friendships stronger while I didn't relate with any of them that well. Same with outside of school, I saw myself as the odd man out at home. No one had the same interests as me, no one was close to my age, I am one of 6 siblings. 4 younger sisters, 1 older brother. My sisters were too young for me to hang with and extremely annoying while I never really had time to spend with my older brother. In my extended family it was worse. We view ourselves as a close knit, huge family but that was where I really saw my invisibility. I never hung out with cousins because majority of them were 5 years and older and/or lived too far from me. At family functions I saw everyone greet each other and laugh and hug while I was skipped over like I wasn't there. I saw my family close but without me, everybody had somebody but not me. If it wasn't for my close friend who happened to live next door to me at that time, I probably would be a shut in or just completely give up on a social life.

     Even through all of this, I realized after I got out of school that I was well liked by basically everybody. People said I was really funny, loud, friendly,and that I was a great listener. Numerous of people came to me have to me to vent. They felt like I was trustworthy and approachable enough to discuss their problems and never have anybody else know about it. That's one thing that I always liked about me. I would listen and even provide comments to try to make them feel better or answers to what they should do in the situation they provided. I never thought I gave great advice, my over thinking would always get in the way of everything in my life. Maybe my purpose in life was to help others by just being there for them, maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought I was. I continued to be there for those who came to me to vent even until this very day. I like to check on those I haven't talked to in a long time just to see how they been. I was like a "dad" checking on his kids.

     I slowly started to notice something one sided that continued to happened: whenever I needed those same people to vent, they never seemed to have the time of day for me. I had all these problems or just things to get off my chest but I never felt as if anybody heard me. It was as if I was talking to a brick wall. I realize that nobody ever seems to check on me the same way I would do. I was that person who always had to initiate conversations in texts to those I haven't communicated in a while, I remembered birthdays and made sure to let them know while mine was forgotten, I check back on situations that happened to them and see how everything was but I dealt with situations myself. Once you see that you build one sided relationships like that, you kind of remove yourself and stop making efforts. You thought you built something with people but you can't even get a "how are you doing?" Despite this, I still check on people sometimes. I've learned that you shouldn't expect to get something in return every time you do something nice.

   

Construction Zone Ahead, DETOUR ---->

View life as a road. There are times when it has freshly placed concrete that makes the ride smooth and relaxing. Along the road, there are times when the ride gets a little bumpy with some roadkill in the way or loose gravel or a pothole or two. And, of course, there are times when the road gets way out of control when big chunks of road missing, making you constantly swerving. Even heavy snow, ice, and sleet can happen to make things even worse. When on a road, you can decide to turn left, right, make u-turns,  wait under a stoplight, and go 80mph in certain places. Ultimately, you have the sense of control, it's you and the open road and no matter what's on it, nothing can stop you from going where you want to go. Well, sorry to bust your bubble but there's something that can force you to find another way to your destination: construction zone.

We've all been in one at least once or twice in our life. We see a guy or girl in one of those bright greenish-yellow or orange vests holding that turnable sign that has slow on one side and stop on the other. You always see that the workers are working on something but every time you pass through it looks like nothing changed from the last time. What makes matter worse is that it lasts for what seems like years! I see no change in that area but whatever it is my grandkids are stopped by the same workers years afterwards. Everybody hates waiting. Whoever does must be an old person with way too much times on their hands to even give a crap. I wish I had patience just like those kinds of old people but I won't be old until at least 30 years from now so I'll just wait then. But those construction projects that is especially annoying are the ones where you have to follow a bunch of detour signs just to get back to where you were going. The detour makes a 5 minute trip into an hour and 15min trip that takes you to sketchy neighborhoods or spooky woods where you swear monsters like Freddy Krueger and that Ring girl go to have camping trips. This is your life throwing you a curveball that takes you off course from your original plan.

For me, I thought my road would be a little rocky but for the most part smooth and controllable. That didn't work out which is evidenced by this post's whole point. I spent all of high school as that guy who everybody liked and thought was funny but I never really fit into any groups. I definitely wasn't athletic so those sports groups wasn't up for debate. I made good grades but the nerdy groups would get wilder than a party at Charlie Sheen's house. I couldn't even fit in with the loner kids because where way too loner for me. Not to mention at home I lived with 3 teenaged girl, a boy that was 5 years younger than me, and three adults with two of those over the age of 50. With my extended family, I was born into that weird gap where I had like two cousins the same age as me but lived too far to hang with and everybody else was either preteen girls or 7 years older than I was. To make a long story short, I felt like I didn't fit anywhere.

Detour #1: Main road to finding a group of people who I could fit in with has detoured me to the desert of I Fit In Better with A Group of Balloons Than Actual People. I'm pretty sure that desert is in the middle of New Mexico.

So, when it came time to graduate from high school, this guy would have rather fart in the principal's face and flipped off the school towards the sunset than to sit during my graduation but somehow I made it through. I decided that I needed a big change to get things going for me. Instead of being the introverted, scared to talk to strangers and babies kid I've always been, I wanted to become a social butterfly that had too many friends to count and went to parties and other stuff stereotypical teenagers did. My first day of college was horrifying! I'm 2 hours away from home, I'm like 4 counties over, and worst of all: I FORGOT HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS!!!!! How in the crap do you do that? Like, I really needed a manual, help form Stephen Hawkins, and one of those Friendships for Dummies books. The struggle was that real. I mean, I made new friends before of course. It's just that this time I didn't have my old friends to fall on. I was in a new town that had nobody I knew.

It's hard for an introverted person to suddenly become outgoing out of nowhere. I'm not going to be all happy and randomly go to a random person and strike up a convo when I've actively avoided anybody who I didn't live with for the first 2 decades of my life. Not gonna happen. So it was kinda rough the first couple of months. I just woke up, went to class, grabbed something to eat, and went straight to my dorm room to watch tv. I was even in a learning community of campus where we all had the same majors but even then I never really made an effort to get to know them. I had plenty of opportunities to do so but once again, my introvetedness slapped me in my face and told me to get lost. Veeerrry uneventful college experience right off the bat.

Detour #2: Main road to trying to become the complete opposite of me has detoured me to the swamp of The Lone Alligator Who Drinks Nothing But 4 Bottles of Sierra Mist Everyday. Just a black skinned alligator ruining his kidneys and watching cartoons all day.

Things final changed when I needed a ride to get to a haunted trail that my learning community did every year around Halloween. I didn't have a car but I lucked up when a girl I occasionally talked to in the halls of my dorm saw me and offered a ride. I gladly accepted and then a friendship happened between me, her, and the guy in the backseat at the time. From then on, their connection lead me to make even more friends who became the group I would always hang out with and became my "sisters" and "brothers".

Detour #3: My previous detour that lead me to The Lone Alligator Swamp lead me back onto the main road of finding a group of people that I fit in with. I even had an identity within our group which was being the Token Black Guy which I've always been so it didn't bother me. Black people questions would arise every now and then but it's expected with the Token Black Guy.

Everything seemed to be going great for me. I made more connections with other people, not as strong as I wanted them to be but it was better than what it was before. I even joined a couple of clubs I liked and in one I was steadily climbing the ladder to being President. Everything went crumbling down the summer before my junior year. The worst detour I've encountered so far: the sea of Being Forced Out Of College. DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!

TO BE CONTINUED

A Chocolate Chip Among Non Chocolate Chips

I am currently in a strange place that I have a lot of freedom to do whatever I want. I can stay up late if I wanted, currently doing an all nighter. I can buy anything I want without being yelled at by my mama because my I eat too much candy. I can go anywhere without asking permission. Wow, awesome right? College is a place where you get to see what adulthood is like but you aren't exactly at official adulthood yet. Think of it as a purgatory of some sort: you can't return to the place you came from (high school), but you can't go to the other end just yet (official adult status). That's unless you dropout but let's pretend it's not an option. 

His mullet represents the awkwardness I experienced. 

In movies, you see that college is like the garden of Eden where parties are galore, sorority chicks are all up on you like a dog on a leg, and you can enjoy the adult version of 7 Minutes in Heaven all the time. I never believed in those stereotypical movies, mostly because I knew they were just fiction, exaggerations. Even though I didn't expect all of that, I at least thought that random people would come up to you and ask to be your friend. That's the total opposite of what I got. In my very first class of my freshman year, I timidly walked into class, expecting to become instant friends with the person I would sit beside but not embarrass the crap out of myself. Well, since embarrassment runs through my veins, I ended up in the wrong class and once I announced that realizations to the professor, he just looked at me in silence and a thousand pairs of eyes pierced me as I awkwardly sped walked out of there. Way to start off the semester.  But I soon saw that it was hard making new friends. Everybody was just like me: nervous, to afraid to even say hey to my neighbor, scared to move because the seat might squeak. That last one is definitely the worst. 

I always blamed myself for not making friends in my 1st month. I'm a big overthinker who thinks that in every conversation I'm in was a total disaster and it was might fault for it being that way. That's not a great way to live. I felt the ultimate lonely during this time and I thought I would spend the rest of my 4 years alone and thinking it was all because I was boring or annoying. It didn't help that I didn't know how to make friends or where to start small talk or anything social. I always considered myself socially stupid, a total moron when it came to basic social skills. I like to blame puberty which I'm still suffering the effects of to this day. 

Inside joke!!!

I started to realize that I have been the odd one out in just about every aspect of my life since middle school. In my family I was born in period where I had two other relatives my age but I never lived anywhere near them to hang out. For years I lived in a house that was way too crowded and filled with people I couldn't relate to: an impatient old man, an older woman who seemed to always piss people off, a woman who I barely saw who slept most of the day and worked all night, three teenage guys who were all experiencing that angry beast that comes to see them every month, and a whiny, cranky little kid I had to share a room with. I couldn't relate to any of them or talk to them about normal teenage boy stuff. Luckily, across the street was a kid roughly my age that I could hang out with to get out of the madhouse. Even with him I felt like we were two opposites whose personalities would seemingly clashed but it worked out better than you would think.

At school I was a very likable person. Teachers would always use me as an example for other students to strive to be (a thing that I always hated) and I had different sorts of friends from every high school social hierarchy. That sounds like high school for me was awesome but I consider it very unlikable years. I never belonged to any group, I aimlessly walked to different groups of people who shared the same interest as each other and hung out after school. It sucked for me because I lived so far from my friends that they either never knew how to get to my house or never wanted to drive that far to get me. I liked being able to not put into a certain group but ironically I wished I was. I just could never connect with anybody. 

I looked back at my years of high school after graduation and I realized that I had a lot more friends than what I originally thought I had but they were more of what I called "filler friends". Filler friends are people who "fill up" the empty spaces of former friends you always talked to when you transition into a new class. Filler friends are convenient since you can talk to them in class and not be so bored but when class ends, you guys never actually talk. I would say 98% of those friends I made were filler friends and it just made my high school experience even worse when I think about it. I constantly felt alone at certain times. I remember being that person who would always do anything for a friend and put so much effort to make them feel better or help in anyway. But everytime I needed help, I never got that determination or effect in return. Countless times I wanted to talk about stuff and I felt rejected whenever the person just seemingly ignores the crap out of it. This happened over and over again to the point that I just gave up and kept all that stuff I wanted to talk about to myself. I mean, it was no point in giving when nobody wanted to receive. From then on I never let people know how I really felt. I was known as the loud, funny, outgoingish guy but there were plenty of days when I didn't want to be that person but I just acted like nothing was wrong with. To this day I still kind of hesitate to express myself to people because I still think that noone will be there to hear it.

When I left for college, I decided to try to become a different person, someone who wouldn't be afraid of what people thought of him, someone who took more risks to get more out of life. The last time I had to make a whole new batch of friends was when I moved in fifth grade. Of course I met new people along the way up to college but I always had my same old friends around, so completely starting over with making friends with people you never knew existed was punching a MMA fighter in the face for no apparent reason, scarier than a mofo. It took me a really long time to get a group of friends that liked me for who I am and I still hang with today. I still over criticize myself at times, hold back my emotions and cover them up like I was completely fine, still feel that I the most boring person in the universe. I can't keep living like that. I have to realize that I'm an awesome person who anybody would be lucky to be friends with. I see that maybe in my life, I'm not meant to have a huge group friends, maybe I will always have a small, close knit group I would consider family for life. I see that you should friend everybody you see either because not everybody are as friendly as they seem. I still don't understand why my life turned out the way it did. Was that some kind of test that I needed to go through to be prepared for a bigger, happier life afterwards? Will I invent a time machine and fix all the crappy parts but find out that doing so created a crappier future where I feel 1000x worse than I did then so I decided to still with the life I have now? If so, that proves that there are time travelers somewhere on Earth who is changing history right now and we might never know. This makes me want to watch the Back to the Future movies again.

Drunk Squirrel

Being someone who doesn't necessarily have a plan for everything and would rather go with the flow instead of doing routines, also my definition of a Wanderer, life can get pretty hectic when your inner organizer decides that it no longer likes you when you need it most. I always lived life as a Wanderer. I've always liked being able to have freedom, being independent, being oblivious to situations or events that I didn't know was going to happen. That last part doesn't always apply, especially when you are in a group project with a bunch of deadbeats who contribute nothing!!! 

Let me give a better example of what I am. So, think of a person who has life figured out, knows exactly what he or she will do months in advance, constantly prepared for every situation that comes to them. Think of them as an alligator. Why an alligator you ask? Because I can. But it makes sense they are an alligator because if you paid attention to survival shows, if you happen to encounter a wild, angry alligator, you should run zigzagily instead of running straight in front of them. That'a because that's common sense. Who would honestly run in a straight line the entire time something is chasing you? People who likes to die horrible deaths, that's who. But anyway, alligators run in a straight line and it's hard for them to actually turn on a dime. That's why I say the prepared and organized are alligators. It would probably be really hard for them to go outside of the line they made themselves and zigzagging is like forbidden danger zone to them.

Now, for those people who would rather eat a a day old mayo sandwich than get out of a bed at noon, those who wait until 30 minutes before something is due to do it, those who blindly run their lives like cockroaches when the lights are on, we are more like drunk squirrels. Drunk Squirrels who can't find their nuts they buried 2 seconds ago. Drunk Squirrels who suddenly run back to the side of the street they came when the are only 2 inches away. This is our spirit animal. They are majestic, confused, possibly small brained creatures who can't seem to figure anything out. We zigzag around the alligators and let them know that we like being a drunk squirrel because it's fun and we live dangerous. 

Pros of living that Drunk Squirrel/Wanderer life:
1.) Doing whatever you want like steal other squirrels' nuts
2.) Not having to worry about routines and doing the same, boring thing all the time
3.) May tend to take more risks and adventurous
4.) You tend to be creative when solving problems; thinking outside of the box5.) Standing in the middle of the road and laugh while people go crazy trying not to run you over (results may vary)

Cons of living that Drunk Squirrel/Wanderer life:
1.) Not being able to have a more organized life, can lead to chaos and stress
2.) Sometimes get lost in trying to find a way to plan when is needed the most
3.) Wandering for too long, especially by yourself, can get a little lonely
4.) Wandering is not always a happy path 5.) You can't find the nuts you just buried, again

I like being a Drunk Squirrel, I'm used to it. But there are plenty of times when I feel like I get too lost in it and everything around me gets way out of control. I just feel like I'm a walking contradiction most times. I like to hang out with people and have fun BUT I sometimes just don't want to be around people and then whine that I'm tired of always being by myself. I like to sit alone like somewhere on a bus BUT sometimes kind of feel rejected when nobody sits with me. I go out of my way to do everything for a person and expect nothing in return BUT subconsciously want that person to thank me for what I did. It's a confusing way to live. I am a very disorganized person who can't seem to get things in my life in order. I forget to do some important things that could affect some outcomes of the near future and I just get too lazy or distracted when I have it right in front of my face. I realized in my time of being in college that high school never prepared me for it. 

I always breezed by high school, being fed by my teachers, and getting A's for barely doing anything. I often times didn't feel motivated in high school and that smacked me in the face once I came to college. Lack of motivation, I feel, is a dangerous thing to not have because basically everything you do requires some amount of motivation. From taking out the trash to making your bed to putting a big, juicy bacon cheeseburger into your mouth, all that needs motivation in order for that to happen. How do you obtain motivation when you have little to none of it? If you find that answer, let me know. I don't know what could put motivation in me, honestly, I don't know why lack of motivation is big issue with me. I'm trying to become a person who helps out others by educating them and hopefully become a role model that they said inspired them. That should be plenty enough motivation to last forever. But it's not. 

Being a Drunk Squirrel/Wanderer has changed for me throughout the years. When I was younger, I never paid attention to the effects of being a hardcore Drunk Squirrel because I knew that I had backups that guaranteed I would temporarily be an Alligator. Since I've gotten older and a little bit more aware of what it's like being a human, I see that I don't always have back ups. I'm not always guaranteed second chances, and even if I was, it would soon fade at some point. Kind of a scary thought but it's a facts of life that I should probably get use to because life isn't always the nicest. It's hard thinking of a plan to become more of an Alligator or at least have some of their qualities that would def help me out more often.  If only I could discover the key of succeeding life then I would be set but what are the odds of that happening. Probably the same as a Drunk Squirrel finding that dang nut it still can't find!!!